Helping a friend

You may notice that your friend isn't coping well, and wonder what you can do. You want to help, but don’t know how to. We offer some suggestions here.

Maybe your friend seems sad or depressed. Perhaps they spend a lot of time alone. They might be quieter than usual, or stay in their own room and not want to talk to anyone. You might notice that they are missing lectures.

Maybe your friend seems very anxious. They might be losing or gaining weight. They may be sleeping badly. Maybe they always seem to be worrying about something.

Perhaps your friend is drinking too much alcohol, or taking drugs to try to forget their problems.

Don't

ignore your worry
think they will get better soon
think someone else will help
worry that you are interfering
think their problem is not serious
tell them “don't worry,” “snap out of it,” “you shouldn't feel like that,” or tell them what to do
take on too much yourself, by giving them too much of your time or feeling you are the only person who can help them

Do:

take their situation and your concern seriously
tell your friend that you are worried about them and would like to help
listen patiently – often it is very helpful to simply be heard
ask your friend what would help (perhaps they would like you to ask how they are occasionally, give them time to talk, agree to go out together) – together you can decide what to do
be realistic and open about what you can offer – it helps no-one if you stay every night but are clearly thinking about your own assignment
encourage them to ask for help if they have a practical problem, for example with their course or with finances

For help with their studies, your friend could talk to their lecturer, Student Support Coordinator or Upgrade.
For financial advice they could contact the Student Union Advice Centre.

top of page

If your friend seems unhappy, sad or depressed: some suggestions

Spend some time with them – they may be feeling very lonely and alone.
Invite them to join in when a group of friends are going out – they may be feeling unwanted.
Suggest that you could do something together, like a walk, gentle exercise, go for coffee, or watch a DVD.
Make sure they have eaten something nutritious recently.
Make time for them to talk about difficult feelings (remember to be realistic about what you can offer). But do respect their need to feel cheerful, so also allow your friend to talk about something good. And don't push them if they just want to be quiet. It may help if you sometimes simply ask your friend how they are feeling.
If they are feeling very negative or hopeless, show that you understand that this is how they feel right now, and don't try and “make them better.” However, it may also help to remind them of some of the things they have achieved and times when they feel better.
Show them the Counselling website, which offers information on depression and suggestions on how to manage. There is an online leaflet on depression, information on self-help books, and links to self-help websites. Your friend can buy a short booklet from our receptionist. Other resources you can show your friend are the national support organisation Students Against Depression, and information on local groups for depression run by the organisation, Mind.
If appropriate, recommend they make an appointment with their doctor or at the Medical Centre, and / or an appointment with the Brookes Counselling Service.
Give them the telephone number for Samaritans – (01865) 722122 – a confidential helpline for people who are lonely or unhappy.

top of page

If your friend seems anxious: some suggestions

Invite your friend to talk about their worries, and support them if they need to cry.
Suggest some relaxing activities – listening to music, going for a walk, taking a warm bath, practical activities (like cleaning or washing, or gentle exercise). These activities can help your friend stop thinking about their worries over and over again.
If they are feeling panicky, ask your friend to take deep breaths, breathing more slowly, and breathing out through the mouth.
Help them remember their achievements and their strengths to challenge the sense of “everything is hopeless” or “I can’t cope”.
If your friend is going over and over the same thing, invite them to talk with you to decide how to cope with the problem. Don't tell your friend what to do, even if their solution seems the wrong one to you. Help them remember that no answer needs to be perfect. If your friend can't make any decisions, you can suggest stopping thinking for now, and doing something relaxing instead.
Recommend the Brookes Counselling website where they can find relaxation exercises, online booklets about exam and presentation anxiety and about managing stress, information on self-help books, and links to self-help websites. Your friend can buy a booklet or relaxation CD from our receptionist.

top of page

Your friend is taking too much alcohol or drugs: some suggestions

Be clear that you are worried about their use of alcohol or drugs.
Be serious about your concern, don't make it a joke.
Invite your friend to tell you if they have some worries they are trying to avoid.
Suggest going to activities where alcohol and drugs are not the main focus, like the cinema or theatre, out for a walk, or a cafe.
Limit your own intake of alcohol and drugs, so your friend does not need to “keep up,” and suggest that you both have soft drinks some of the time.
Don't buy your friend drink or drugs when you think they have had enough.
Recommend the Brookes Counselling website where they can find information on self-help books, and links to self-help websites on alcohol and drugs.
Recommend that your friend talks to SMART, which is a free, confidential service for anyone worried about their alcohol or drug use. They have a telephone helpline – 01865 251 015. If it seems appropriate, you can recommend that your friend makes an appointment with the Counselling Service or with their doctor.

top of page

If you are seriously worried about someone's low or depressed mood, then take some action. You can tell the hall warden or a student support co-ordinator.